


Falling

by jenniferjun1per



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Porn, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Smut, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-03 03:27:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11523585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferjun1per/pseuds/jenniferjun1per
Summary: Jyn falls from the data tower instead of Cassian. What happens when you face down death and survive? What happens when you've lived your entire life for one thing, but now there's something more?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Starbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/gifts).



> This has been percolating in my brain for months, based on an anon on tumblr who sent me this prompt:
> 
> "maybe a role reversal of when they're climbing the tower to get the stardust disc and jyn gets shot instead of cassian but instead of going forward he drops down to go to her?"
> 
> I meant this to be a one-shot but it's looking like it'll be longer than that. Also we'll be adding more characters as we go (maybe just mentioned though) and also the rating will go up at some point (y'all know what that means!)
> 
> All my love to Starbird who provided tremendous support as I tore my hair out over little details :-)

There’s a flash from one of the trooper’s blasters, and at first Cassian doesn’t realize what’s happening, but then she’s falling.

 

He reacts, throws out his arm, but he’s too slow, her sleeve brushing the tips of his fingers as she falls past him. A scream tears from his throat. He wants to jump after her, but he knows it’ll be useless if he’s injured too, or worse, killed. He has a flash of him dying in the fall, leaving her alone, and it galvanizes him to live, to climb down. Krennic and the troopers have disappeared, no doubt convinced they’ve won.

 

The climb down is painstaking and slow, and he keeps looking down to see her, as if just seeing that she’s there proves somehow that she’s still alive. He gets close enough that he just jumps the rest of the way down. His knees scream when he lands, but he can’t seem to care. He stumbles to her, feels for a pulse, and almost cries with relief when he finds one. He’s cradling her head, looking for more wounds, when she stirs, coughs.

 

“Cassian…?” She opens her eyes, her gaze trained on him.

 

“Easy, easy, Jyn. You had a bad fall.” He’s feeling her limbs, relieved not to find any breaks, marveling at how she didn’t break any bones. “Can you move at all?”

 

She tries to sit up, cries in pain, clutching her shoulder. Cassian examines it, fighting to keep his face blank as she stares at him.

 

“It’s dislocated,” he states firmly, his voice steady. “I’ll need to set it, but it will hurt.” He doesn’t give her any warning, just pops her shoulder back into place. Her scream dies in her throat, and her head sways from the pain, her eyes rolling back into her head. Cassian shakes her gently, tries to keep her conscious.

 

“Jyn, we need to go. Can you walk?” He helps her onto her feet, but when she puts weight on her right foot she hisses in pain. Cassian kneels down to see her ankle is swollen. He’s about to get ready to carry her, moving his blaster to the side so he can hoist her onto his back, when she starts shoving something at him. He looks up to see her handing him the data-tape.

 

“Jyn?” 

 

“Take it,” she says, her face stubborn, brow set and mouth a thin line. “You need to get this to the Alliance.”

 

Cassian stares at her for a split second, and then he doesn’t waste any more time. He picks her up, transfers her onto his back where he can carry her easier. She tries to protest, but at that moment the platform they’re on starts to creak loudly, the metal grating not accustomed to their weight.

 

“We need to move!” Cassian yells, and he sees a doorway at the end of the metal catwalk. He runs towards it as fast as he can with Jyn on his back, pulls out his blaster to blast the control panel. The door hisses open just as the metal grating gives, and Cassian makes the leap of his life. They cling to the ledge, Cassian’s grip slipping, when a robotic arm comes out and grabs his hand. Cassian doesn’t have much time to react before he’s being dragged, along with Jyn, deeper into the hallway they’ve found themselves in. Once they’re safely away from the ledge, Jyn rolls off of Cassian’s back, and Cassian grabs for his blaster. He looks up to their would-be savior, a KX series security droid, and is about to fire when the droid speaks.

 

“Cassian.” The voice is not Kaytoo’s, but Cassian knows without a doubt that this is his friend.

 

“Kay?” He keeps his hand on his blaster just in case. “Is that really you?”

 

“Yes, Cassian. I uploaded my backup to the droid we found. I set it up to activate if something were to happen to me.” The new Kaytoo lifts his hands and stares at them. “I guess something did.”

 

Cassian smiles broadly at his old friend, but the sound of explosions nearby breaks up the reunion. Jyn is sitting against the wall, head lolling to the side. She’s clutching the data-tape, and Cassian knows they don’t have much time.

 

“Kay, do you know where we can find a shuttle or something to get us out of here?” Cassian looks to his friend.

 

“Accessing.” Kaytoo’s eyes shift as he accesses the information in the new droid’s databanks. “This way.”

 

Kaytoo leads them through the tower as surreptitiously as he can, but there’s no need. The tower is deserted, all personnel already evacuated. Outside they can hear the battle, TIE fighters and X-wings screaming through the sky. Kaytoo suddenly comes to a halt.

 

“Kay?” Cassian looks around nervously. “We need to keep moving.”

 

“Understood.” Kaytoo’s eyes shift again, new information being processed. “The shield gate has been destroyed. All personnel have been told to leave the planet immediately.” He suddenly picks up Jyn and starts running, Cassian sprinting to keep up. They reach a door panel that Kaytoo accesses easily, and it opens to an outdoor platform where a shuttle sits, remarkably untouched.

 

“Good job, Kay!” Cassian yells as they run towards it, but they’re only halfway to the shuttle when they’re intercepted by blaster fire. Kaytoo shields Jyn, and Cassian dives, reaching for his blaster to return fire. He takes out two death troopers, before Krennic himself steps out, a shot from him knocking the blaster out of Cassian’s hand.

 

“You’ve lost, whoever you are!” he shouts at them, stepping towards them with blaster pointed. “I know you’ve stolen a data-tape. I was hoping you were both dead at the bottom of that vault, but now I’ll have to do the dirty work myself.” His eyes glint as he speaks, and he looks from Jyn to Cassian, and back again.

 

“Who  _ are _ you?” he says to Jyn, something tugging at his eyes. Jyn stands up as straight as she can, her chin jutted out, face defiant.

 

“I am Jyn Erso, daughter of Galen and Lyra,” she says proudly, with fire in her eyes, “and  _ you _ have lost. My father built a flaw in the Death Star, and we’re taking these plans to the Alliance, in this shuttle.”

 

Krennic regards Jyn for a moment, something flashing in his eyes, before he scoffs. “I’d like to see you try. Droid,” he addresses Kaytoo, “take these prisoners away.” He waves his hand as Kaytoo steps forward, and with one swipe, Kay knocks the blaster out of his hand.

 

“Go, Jyn, go!” Cassian yells, and he motions to Kaytoo, who picks Jyn up and runs for the shuttle.

 

“No! Cassian!” Jyn screams, but Kaytoo doesn’t stop until they’re safely inside.

 

Cassian faces down Krennic, who stalks forward, eyes burning. Behind them, the shuttle’s engines fire up, and Cassian exhales in relief. The data-tape will make it to the Alliance; their mission will succeed. He turns to Krennic, ready to sacrifice all that he has so that Jyn can get away. Krennic lunges towards him, there’s a flash, and Cassian thinks he must be dead. When the smoke clears, he sees Krennic lying motionless in front of him. He turns to the shuttle to see Jyn at the controls. She’s wide-eyed, shock registers on her face, and then relief, as she sees Cassian standing, alive and whole.

 

“Good shooting,” Kaytoo is saying to Jyn as Cassian boards the shuttle. Jyn is still gripping the controls, her knuckles turning white, as Kaytoo prepares to take off.

 

“Jyn,” Cassian says softly, and he puts a hand gently on hers. At his touch, she turns to him, her eyes distant. “He’s gone now,” he says firmly, his eyes intense on hers. She finally meets his eyes, and her gaze clears, and then her arms are around him and he’s holding her, too.

 

“We must take off now. You can do that later,” Kaytoo interrupts them as he lifts the ship, the platform disappearing underneath them. “Just in time, too.”

 

There’s a distant boom, and they look out the window to see the Death Star’s blast, shooting a plume of sand and water and debris high into the sky. They know what’s coming next, and Jyn stumbles out of the co-pilot’s chair so Cassian can jump in.

 

“Punch it, Kay!” Cassian shouts, and Kay pulls the switch, and with a flash they make the jump to lightspeed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian return to the fleet.

Cassian leaves Kay to the controls as the ship travels through hyperspace. He’s tried sending a coded message to the Alliance, but hasn’t received any response. Yavin 4 should be their next destination, but now that they’ve engaged the Empire, Cassian knows that it’s only a matter of time before the base is discovered. He gives Kaytoo the coordinates to a secret rendezvous point, then goes to check on Jyn.

 

He finds her sitting on the floor of the shuttle, her back against the wall. She’s rubbing her shoulder, the one Cassian had wrenched back into place rather forcefully. He winces at the thought of her face when he’d done it, crouches in front of her now.

 

“Is your shoulder okay?” he asks, his voice laced with concern.

 

Jyn smiles at him, but he doesn’t miss how strained her eyes look. “It’s fine. Just a little sore.”

 

“May I?” He motions to her shoulder, and she nods. Carefully he removes her jacket and pulls down her shirt slightly so he can get a good look at her shoulder. Jyn gasps when his fingers touch the bruised skin, but she visibly relaxes as the pads of his fingers run lightly over the skin of her shoulder. A curious feeling bubbles up inside of him, and he’s reminded of a time on another shuttle, entering Scarif instead of leaving it, when she had touched his arm, and it seems like a lifetime ago.

 

“You’re cold,” he says to her, because her skin is pebbling under his touch, and he realizes she’s probably suffering the after-effects of shock.

 

“I’m okay,” she says, but she still wraps her good arm across her body. “Will you sit with me, though? If Kaytoo doesn’t need you?”

 

He nods, and takes his place beside her, and they sit in silence for a while, shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh.

 

“Who was he?” Cassian finally asks, because he saw the flash in her eyes when she saw Krennic as they clung to the data tower, because he remembers her defiance when he questioned her on that platform.

 

Jyn is silent for a moment, the sound of their breathing the only thing filling that small space. “He was a man my father knew,” she says simply, but then her voice changes. “The man who killed my mother.”

 

Cassian’s mind churns, and his stomach heaves at the thought of being that close to the person who killed your parents. He wishes in the end that he had been the one to kill him, to save Jyn more pain and suffering. He’s glad now, though, that she can bury that part of her past. 

 

A soft snore interrupts his thoughts, as Jyn’s head falls onto his shoulder. Cassian smiles fondly, adjusts himself so he can wrap an arm around her shoulders, and lets her settle against him in her sleep.

 

\---

 

“Cassian. We’ve arrived.”

 

Cassian wakes to Kaytoo shaking him lightly. Propping up a sleeping Jyn against the wall, he makes his way to the cockpit.

 

“I made sure to relay that we are arriving in a stolen Imperial ship. Again.”

 

“Thanks, Kay.” Cassian’s heart sinks when he sees what remains of the Rebel fleet. He notices at once the loss of the  _ Profundity _ , and his thoughts immediately go to Admiral Raddus and his crew. They’d risked everything, and lost so much. He didn’t yet know the fate of the others, of Bodhi, Baze, and Chirrut, but he’d seen firsthand the effects of the Death Star’s superlaser, and he knew their chances were slim.

 

“Are we here?” Jyn’s voice breaks his thoughts as she comes to stand beside him to look out the window. Wanting to see how she’s doing, he casually gives her a sidelong glance and she smiles at him, her shoulder brushing past his arm as she tilts her head to observe the scene.

 

“So few,” she whispers, her eyes glazing over. “So few made it out.”

 

Cassian bows his head, her grief and his crashing together and placing an unbearable weight on his heart. He sees the unshed tears in her eyes, can feel her pain so close to his, and he wants only to hold her in his arms, to comfort and be comforted. He flexes his fingers instead, and finally looks away from the window.

 

“We’d better check in, make sure they know we have the plans.”

 

\---

 

Their first stop is the medical frigate  _ Redemption _ , as it’s evident Jyn needs medical attention immediately. Cassian hovers nearby as she’s treated, despite her many assurances that she’ll be fine. When she’s lowered into the bacta tank he finally leaves.

 

He meets with Princess Leia Organa in the makeshift war room, as the other leaders of the Alliance are still on Yavin, quite possibly organizing an evacuation. The princess is accompanied by an older man in long robes (his bearing reminds Cassian of Chirrut, and again he burns to ask the question he’d asked Baze on Jedha), a young man who looks like he was plucked off a farm, and a man with a permanent scowl on his face who’s accompanied by a Wookiee. They speak of the plans, of the flaw in the Death Star, and hash out a plan to sabotage it. Cassian is tasked to return to Yavin to aid the assault from there, while the actual plan to infiltrate and incapacitate the superweapon is tasked to the team the princess has assembled in front of her. They bicker and fight -- the princess and the scowling man (Cassian finds out his name is Han Solo, and he’s a smuggler) especially clash -- but in the end, Cassian doesn’t have it in him to argue. He thinks of Jyn, and he doesn’t really want to leave her, but he recognizes the importance of his role.

 

He’s given his orders, and needs to leave right away. Making his way to the medbay, he thinks of what to say to Jyn, and his stomach dips at the thought of being away from her. When he enters, he sees that she’s still in the bacta tank, the med droid advising she’ll need to be in there much longer than Cassian has. Knowing she’s unconscious, he still puts his hand to the glass anyway. He wants to talk to her, to tell her he’ll be back.  _ He hopes _ .


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian returns to Yavin to aid in the evacuation, while Jyn remains behind with the fleet. A harrowing rescue ensues, and Jyn and Cassian struggle with the decision regarding their future with the Alliance, and with each other.

The Death Star is destroyed, and after a brief celebration, they get to the task of evacuating Base One. After the medal ceremony, in which Cassian had stood at attention and received his medal (as well as one for Jyn, the princess pressing it into his palm and imploring him to give it to her with her gratitude), the high level council members and high-ranking officers had left the base to rendezvous with the rest of the fleet. Cassian had stayed behind to help coordinate the rest of the evacuation, and he’s one of a handful left when the alarms blare.

 

“Captain, a Star Destroyer’s come out of lightspeed!” Private Weems shouts from his console. Cassian runs to the screen and what he sees makes his stomach drop. There’s only one ship left.

 

“Everyone! Get to the ship now!” He pulls the blaster from his holster, ready to give cover fire so that the ship can get away. He knows he’s only one, no doubt against a platoon of stormtrooopers dropped down to the moon from the destroyer, but he has to try. He feels fear, which is normal, a cold sweat building on the back of his neck, but there’s another feeling, almost like regret. It coils around his chest and stays there, and he finds that when he reflects on it, he’s thinking of Jyn.

 

Blaster fire interrupts his thoughts, and he sees the telltale white armor of stormtroopers pouring into the hangar. The ship has taken off, so Cassian just needs to hold the troopers off until it can clear the atmosphere. He’s a good shot, he takes out one after another, but they keep coming and it’s not long before he’s overrun. He needs to retreat, but he knows he won’t make it far before they get him. He’s ready to die, to help the Alliance, but again that feeling tightens around his chest. A blast hits him in the shoulder and he goes down, and the last thing he sees is a U-wing landing, its blaster cannon firing, and he thinks he must be dying on a battlefield somewhere, and the last thing his mind registers is Jyn’s face, before everything goes black.

 

\---

 

“According to my calculations, this ship has a seventy-six percent chance of making it back to the rendezvous coordinates in its current state.”

 

“Well, maybe we should come out of lightspeed?”

 

“That is not advisable in this part of the galaxy. We will either fall prey to bounty hunters, smugglers, or at worst, the Empire.”

 

“So we either fall apart and explode, or get killed or taken hostage?”

 

“Those seem to be our choices, yes.”

 

“Wonderful.” 

 

Cassian’s hearing returns first, and he hears Jyn and Kaytoo speaking in low tones in the cockpit. When he opens his eyes he sees he’s been set up on a makeshift pallet on the floor, a scratchy, well-worn Rebellion-issue blanket draped over him. He groans when he tries to sit up, pain shooting through his shoulder as he tries to prop himself up on his elbows.

 

“Cassian.” Jyn is by his side in an instant, cradling his head as he struggles to sit up. “Don’t try to move. Your shoulder is in bad shape.” She bites her lip after she says it, as if it were a secret she shouldn’t have told, but Cassian smiles weakly at her.

 

“I’ve had worse,” he says to her, accepting her arm as she helps him sit up.

 

“He certainly has. Cassian, remember that time on Darknell when--”

 

“Not now, Kay.”

 

“Understood.”

 

After looking around at the state of the ship, and satisfying himself that Kaytoo has everything under control, his eyes finally fall on Jyn. She’s pale, still not healed, but her eyes are piercing and her grip on his arm is strong.

 

“You came back for me,” he whispers, with slight bewilderment in his voice, and she shrugs, but only manages one side, the good side.

 

“That’s what we do.” She’s saying it as she lifts her good shoulder, her eyes darting away from him briefly. When she looks at him again, his chest constricts, and he realizes it’s her. She has a vise around his heart now. He ponders on this for a moment, this thought that is new to him, except it isn’t new. Thinking back to Jedha, he realizes it’s been there all along.

 

“Jyn, I--” He wants to say something, wants to tell her something’s changed, in him, between them, but he chokes on his words and she finally tears her gaze away from his.

 

“Kay says this ship might not make it back.” She’s looking towards the cockpit now.

 

“That is not what I said,” Kay says “I merely provided the statistical odds on whether or not it will stay intact long enough to make it back.”

 

“I stand corrected. I apologize.” Jyn rolls her eyes.

 

Cassian tries to hide his smirk, turns to Kaytoo. “What sector are we in? Can we land somewhere and do some repairs?”

 

“As I told Jyn Erso, it would not be advisable to come out of lightspeed in this sector. My analysis says chances of ship disintegration are high, but chances of capture or attack are even higher. I advise we keep going.”

 

Cassian seems satisfied with Kay’s answer, but when he looks back at Jyn she’s fidgeting, her fingers drumming on her thighs and her eyes darting back and forth.

 

“What is it?” he asks her. She considers for a moment, before turning to him, and her eyes are ablaze.

 

“What if we just…left?”

 

“Left?”

 

“I mean, what if we found a planet somewhere, away from the Empire, away from the Alliance, and just started over?”

 

Cassian blinks for a moment, takes a deep breath, mostly to stop himself from making the usual reflex reaction he has whenever someone asks him why he still fights for the Rebellion.

 

“Jyn,” he says as he takes her hand in his, and he doesn’t really mean to but it’s as if his body is working independent of his mind, “What’s prompting this?”

 

She sighs then, looks away from him, but keeps her hand in his. “In my father’s message to Saw, he thought that maybe I’d left the Rebellion, that I’d found a peaceful place in the galaxy and maybe lived a quiet life.” She looks back at him, almost hesitantly. “Maybe with a family.”

 

Cassian swallows the lump in his throat, his mind racing as he catches up to her words and their meaning. A part of him considers it, a part of him runs away with her, leaves the Rebellion behind, settles in a home, with her, with children someday. A stronger part of him, though, reminds him of the fight, of righting the wrongs that still exist in the galaxy, of something that’s bigger than him, or her, or any life they could live together.

 

“I can’t…” he starts, not quite sure how to continue, not quite sure how to explain to her, but she’s already nodding her head. Removing her hand from his, she squeezes his elbow.

 

“I get it,” she says. “You’ve been in this fight since you were six years old.” She smiles crookedly at him, a flash of something in her eyes, before she gets up and joins Kay in the cockpit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian and Jyn get closer, but Cassian learns Jyn's wounds run deeper than he thought.

Cassian heals from his blaster wound fairly quickly (as Kay would agree, he’d had worse), and soon enough he’s pulled back into the workings of the Alliance. They still haven’t found a location for a new base, so the fleet remains in orbit above Orto Plutonia. The blow the Empire had suffered with the destruction of the Death Star has pushed favor the Alliance’s way, and they want to capitalize on that. Recruitment is at an all time high, so Cassian is once again sent out on recruitment missions.

 

The first few missions are tentative, short hops to planets friendly to the Alliance. Cassian spends more time with the fleet in between, more time with Jyn on the  _ Redemption _ , as she’s been assigned to do physical therapy. Apparently leaving to rescue Cassian interrupted her healing process, and so he spends long sessions with her, patiently helping her do the exercises mandated by the med droids. There are other sessions, where Jyn disappears for much longer behind closed doors, where Cassian isn’t invited. He wonders at these sessions, but assumes that anything being done for Jyn’s health and well-being can only be a good thing.

 

They don’t speak of their conversation on the U-wing, about Jyn’s idea of leaving the Rebellion. She doesn’t bring it up again, and Cassian follows her lead. He had expected her to leave on her own anyway, but something keeps her hanging around. The looks she gives him, and the visible relaxation of her shoulders when he’s around, gives him hope that it might have something to do with him. He finds he craves her company, seeks her out when he can, and every time she sees him the corners of her mouth always curve up so beautifully, and her eyes crinkle ever so slightly. He doesn’t realize that he reacts the exact same way.

 

They gradually end up spending more time together, as people around them start to leave them alone. Sometimes Jyn will be sitting in the mess with a group of pilots, and Cassian will join them, and eventually they end up alone, not even noticing when everyone else had left. Jyn doesn’t have any assigned quarters on the frigate, as she’s really supposed to stay in the medbay, but Cassian has a room, and they’ve spent many nights in deep conversation there, losing all track of time. Sometimes Jyn falls asleep in the bed, her head in Cassian’s lap, and he strokes her hair very softly, because he doesn’t want to wake her, and he rests his head against the wall and eventually falls asleep himself.

 

The first night they spend like this, Cassian is awoken by movement, by Jyn’s arms and legs thrashing wildly. She’s mumbling something in her sleep, and Cassian can feel a cold sweat on her forehead. He shakes her gently awake, and when her eyes meet his they’re wide and distant and hollow. He folds his arms around her then, because he doesn’t know what else to do and certainly doesn’t know what to say, and he holds her until the tenseness in her body finally dissipates, and she can fall asleep again.

 

This happens every night now. Cassian tries to bring it up casually, but Jyn never wants to talk about it. Her face closes off and she turns away from him. She says they’re just nightmares, and Cassian knows, Cassian  _ sees _ , that they are much more. She spends longer hours in her closed door sessions, and Cassian begins to understand. She’s healed physically now, but the wounds run much deeper than that.

 

When he leaves for missions now, she’s unusually chipper, smiling too much and telling him he’ll be fine. She’ll check and double-check that all the systems are running fine on the ship, annoying Kaytoo in the process. She sends him off with a tight hug, and she’s still in the hangar when they take off. When he returns from a mission, she meets him with a subdued smile, hugs him tightly to her, then disappears into the medbay. He doesn’t see her for the rest of that day.

 

Cassian recognizes the behavior, goes to the medbay to speak with the doctor about it. The doctor, however, cites patient confidentiality, and refuses to say more. Cassian wants to help,  _ tries _ to help, but aside from the nightmares and her behavior around his missions, she’s otherwise fine.

 

“What are your nightmares about?” he asks one night, when they’re sprawled out on his bed looking at field reports and he can’t take it anymore. She only shrugs.

 

“Mostly falling. Off the data tower.” She says it so simply that Cassian is tempted to let it drop. “Sometimes I dream of them.”

 

Cassian doesn’t need to ask who she’s referring to. He nods his head in understanding.

 

“Do you ever think about them?” She suddenly turns to him, her eyes burning.

 

Cassian doesn’t want to say yes, he thinks about everyone he’s had to leave behind, he thinks about all those people who died so that he could live. He doesn’t want to say no, he can’t think about them, because if he does he’ll fall apart from grief and shame and regret.

 

“I try not to.” He looks away, because he doesn’t want her to see the pain he can’t hide in his eyes.

 

“I can’t help thinking about them,” she says, and her voice sounds like it’s coming from far away. “They won’t leave me alone. Especially Chirrut.”

 

Cassian falls silent. He knows too well what it’s like being haunted by ghosts. “Does he say anything to you?” he finally asks.

 

“No. He’s just there. Whenever I close my eyes and try to fall asleep.” She wraps her arms around herself, and Cassian takes his cue. He pulls her to him so that she settles between his legs, wraps his arms around her. He presses soft kisses to the top of her head as her breathing calms, still holds her when the inevitable dreams come.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian becomes increasingly concerned about Jyn. He helps her as much as he can, in any way she needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I've added tags as this chapter will deal more with symptoms of PTSD and depression. I am not a mental health professional, so please keep that in mind when reading this. If any of these symptoms feel familiar to you, I urge you to seek out the help of a professional. You are stronger than you think.
> 
> Also, the rating for the fic has been changed to Explicit. This is where the smut happens, but I warn you that it is angsty (not too bad imo, but of course that's highly subjective).

Recruitment is in full swing now, and Cassian is sent on more missions, and longer ones. He’s sent to riskier areas, more reticent populaces, systems and planets previously influenced by the Empire. It’s on one such planet, where they had thought the intel to be solid, that  they were greeted by a squadron of TIE fighters when they arrived. Cassian and Kaytoo had barely escaped with their lives.

 

Cassian navigates every situation and every mission as he once did, but there’s a different edge to them now. Before, when in the midst of a mission, he had never given thought to what lay beyond and stayed as much as possible in the moment. Now, that grip around his heart would tighten, and thoughts of an  _ after _ would drift unbidden into his mind. Even something as simple as Jyn’s smile, or that flick of her hair that she did, floated above every action. He never lets it distract him, he’s too professional for that, but he finds missions take a lot more out of him.

 

Jyn is cleared for active duty, but she still hasn’t made a firm decision to join the Alliance. Mon Mothma doesn’t want to force her into anything she doesn’t want to do, but in private she implores Cassian to encourage Jyn to make a decision. To her face, Cassian promises to do the best he can. The truth is, he knows there’s more to it than what it seems.

 

He can tell she’s itching to do something. He finds her training with some of the new recruits, fighting to get back into the form she had before her fall. She pushes herself hard, and more often than not Cassian finds her with some form of injury after a sparring session. He tries to tell her to take it easy, as he patches her up, but she only stares, not really at him but through him, and Cassian worries.

 

She doesn’t go to the medbay for her closed door sessions anymore, avoids it completely. Cassian thinks she must be done with them, but he runs into the doctor one day in the mess hall, and the doctor asks him when she’ll be back from her mission. Cassian lies smoothly for her, knowing full well she hadn’t been on any mission.

 

He’s just returned from a mission himself, a long and exhaustive one, and he’s thinking about what to say to Jyn about what’s been going on, when she appears in front of him and interrupts his thoughts with a quick hug.

 

“Glad you’re back! Gotta go.” She releases him quickly, then jogs to catch up with a team of people she’d been following.

 

“Hey!” Cassian’s thoughts are a jumble, as he tries to remember where she could possibly be headed to. “Where are you going?”

 

She stops, backtracks to where he is with his arms up. “They asked me to consult with them on the search for a new base. I thought Mon Mothma would’ve told you.”

 

Cassian sifts through his most recent conversations with Mon Mothma, and none of them have involved Jyn going off on this mission, which he knows will be a lengthy and difficult one. 

 

“She didn’t,” he says, and he can’t hide the disappointment in his voice. “When will you be back?”

 

“Not sure. They have a few places in mind; they just need me to vet a couple of them since I’d spent some time at each one.” She moves closer to him, eating up the space between them, and Cassian forces himself not to take a step back at her proximity. While they’ve been much closer than this in private, she’s never moved this close to him in public. He’s not sure what to make of it, and he’s thinking, his mind whirring, but soon he can’t think anymore because her face is so close to his. He manages to swallow the lump in his throat before her lips are on his, soft yet urgent, and he gets lost in the feel of her, her hands gripping the front of his jacket, and the warmth and weight of her body against his.

 

“I’ll be back,” she says, and disappears with the group she’d been following.

 

\---

 

For the entire time she’s gone, he thinks about the kiss. He tries to put it out of his mind when he should be concentrating on work, but he finds it slinks into his thought process when he least expects it. In the middle of one of Draven’s debriefs, he suddenly remembers how her nose had brushed his as she tilted her head to capture his lips. Kaytoo had been providing statistical analysis on their latest mission, but he’d been distracted by the memory of her hands moving up his chest, and fisting into his jacket.

 

It’s at night, though, when he’s alone in his bunk, that he allows himself to think of her. He closes his eyes, touches a finger to his lips as he remembers the way she tastes. Remembering the way her body had felt against his, the way her curves fit against him, he can’t help but wrap his hand around his cock, bringing himself to orgasm with her name on his lips.

 

She finally returns, but before he can even see her she’s whisked away to command. Cassian waits in his room, and when she finally shows up, he sees that she’s dishevelled, rips and tears in her clothing, and she has a cut on her bottom lip which is already twice its normal size. Her hair is half falling out of its normal bun, and she’s clutching her bad shoulder. Cassian starts to get up from the chair he’d been sitting on to have a look at her, but she beats him to it, crosses the room in seconds. She straddles him, and before he can protest she crushes her lips to his. She pulls back just as abruptly and hisses in pain, her fingers gingerly touching her lip.

 

“Jyn?” Cassian takes advantage of the pause in the moment, but finds he doesn’t know where to start. He goes with the most obvious. “What happened? Do you need to go to the medbay?”

 

She just shakes her head, her fingers still pressing at her lip. “I’ve been. They said I was okay to go.” He gets a good look at her face when she speaks, and he’s alarmed by the haunted look in her eyes. Where there was once a need, there’s now a hollowness.

 

“Jyn, what happened on your mission?” he asks, taking her face in his hands.

 

“They told me not to engage. I had to, though. Something made me.” She shrugs her shoulders, as if it were the most logical thing in the world. Cassian begins to say something, but she suddenly grinds down on him, and despite his concern for her he feels himself getting hard.

 

“Jyn,” he starts, but groans as she moves her hips more, and then her lips are on his neck, gentle and tentative because of the pain in her bottom lip.

 

“Cassian, please,” she implores between kisses, “I need you.” She takes his hands, which had been resting on the small of her back, and moves them to her breasts. “Touch me.”

 

“Jyn, are you sure?” He wants to, he’s wanted to for so long now, but he always needs to make sure she’s sure.

 

“Yes,” she nods. “I want you--” and her breath catches in her throat, because his lips are on her neck, running a line down to her chest, rubbing the stubble of his beard across her skin. She peels off her jacket and he helps her pull her shirt off over her head, and then he’s kissing across her chest, pulls her breastband down and captures her nipple in his mouth. She arches her back, grinds against him some more as he swirls his tongue around the hardened bud. 

 

She pulls him by his shirt to the bed, and hastily pulls the rest of his clothes off as well as hers. There’s a desperation to her movements, they’re erratic and harsh, and her eyes are still haunted, but he wants to make her feel good, only wants what she wants. He lets her lead, she pulls him down onto the bed on top of her, and she takes a hold of his cock, helps guide him inside her. She closes her eyes when he enters her, and he has to pace himself, because the feeling of her heat is almost too much for him.

 

“Are you okay?” he asks, because she hasn’t opened her eyes again. She nods, eyes still closed, and Cassian starts rocking into her, slow and measured.

 

“Harder,” she suddenly whispers, her eyes shooting open. The haunted look is gone, but her eyes shine with something else now, something intense. “Harder, Cassian...”

 

Her voice trails off, because Cassian complies, pounding into her but still restraining himself out of fear of hurting her. She notices.

 

“Fuck me harder, Cassian,” she pleads. “Make me feel something again.” She pulls him closer to her, tangles her fingers in his hair and pulls, and he’s conflicted. He wants to please her, to make her feel good, anything for her, but...

 

“Jyn--”

 

“ _ Please _ , Cassian.  _ Harder _ .”

 

He can’t deny her anymore. He pounds her hard, with a force that makes the bed creak and shake, slamming hard against the wall and most definitely disturbing the person next door. Her hands roam over his body, her back arching as she tries to pull him into her even more. She wraps her legs around his waist, digs her nails into his back, cries out as she comes again and again, and he holds off as long as he can to give her as much pleasure as he can. 

 

When he finally comes he’s bathed in a sweat that stings his eyes, his muscles are raw and his toes are numb, but when he looks down at Jyn she looks sated, her hair in a mussed halo on the bed. He eases out of her and she sighs at the loss of him inside her, and when he goes to lie down beside her, she turns over and snuggles into him. Wrapping his arms around her, he holds her tightly to him until her body stops shaking, kisses the top of her head, and wipes the tears that escape from the corners of her eyes with his thumb.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian helps Jyn heal.

The Alliance has chosen Hoth for their next base, and the fleet makes the necessary preparations. A team has already gone ahead, setting up the base and making it habitable for those who will be stationed there. Cassian is on one of the first teams tasked to inspect the base once it’s set up, and he leaves with the vise still gripping his heart.

 

He had managed to coax Jyn to talk to him before he left, something neither of them were used to, and the talk had been awkward and frustrating at times, filled with long silences and pauses. In the end, she had managed to tell him of the emptiness she’d felt after Scarif. She’d faced death on that data tower, she’d seen it coming for her, she’d seen her life play out before her eyes. She’d never expected him to be there, to come down for her. The plans had been the mission, and she had known that. She had wanted him to have the best chance, no matter what had happened to her, but he had been stubborn, and she laughs through her tears when she describes to him the look on his face when she had tried to give him the plans. He laughs with her, mostly because he’s afraid he’ll cry at the thought of her sacrificing herself for him. She thought she would have felt vindicated when she killed Krennic, but there was only an emptiness, because in some twisted way he was the last thread that she had to her father. The hole her father had left had only gotten bigger.

 

It’s the loss of the team, of Rogue One, that breaks her. She forces herself to say their names, through a haze of tears and heaving sobs: Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut. He already knows they haunt her, knows the feeling well because they haunt him, too. He holds her as she recalls their sacrifice, as she rages against the injustice of it, as she curses the universe for taking them, as she curses herself for failing them. She turns to him in her mindless rage, cursing him too for not doing enough, and he takes it, absorbs her pain as she beats her fists against his chest. In the end she’s spent, and he stays with her as long as she needs. He leaves for Hoth with a heavy heart.

 

\---

 

He’s at the blast doors waiting when her transport arrives. She’s on one of the last ships to arrive, opting to stay back with the fleet as long as they needed her to help out with logistics. He learns later on that she’d stayed to resume her sessions with the doctor, and that she’s determined to continue them for as long as needed.

 

He hugs her tight when she steps off the transport, wraps her in his parka because she never dresses appropriately for the conditions. She smiles into his neck when he whispers “welcome home,” and wraps her arms around his torso under the bulky coat. Later, when they’re wrapped tightly around one another under heavy blankets to stave off the perpetual chill of Hoth, he wonders out loud as to how the Alliance could choose such a wasteland to make their base.

 

Jyn shrugs in his arms. “Remember when I came back from the scouting mission all banged up? It was down to a choice between Hoth and Talus, but I’d incited a bit of an uprising on Talus, unfortunately. It caught the attention of a Destroyer in the area, and well….Hoth it was.”

 

Cassian laughs. “So you’re the one I have to thank for freezing my ass off on this hunk of ice.”

 

“I guess I’ll just have to make it up to you.” She shrugs before pressing her lips to his, and before long the cold is the last thing on Cassian’s mind.

 

She’s still healing, though, the emotional and mental wounds taking far longer to heal than the physical ones. She still has nightmares, Cassian still holds her through them, and she still has visions of Chirrut. She’s started talking to him, though, when she sees him, and she finds that it helps. The doctor tells her that she should hold some sort of memorial for them, because sometimes people need closure, and so she finds a quiet corner in one of the corridors of Echo Base. She carves three niches into the snow-packed ice, carves their names into them, and with Cassian by her side she says her goodbyes. When she’s saying her farewell to Chirrut, he appears by her side, his monk’s robes shimmering in the pale light of the corridor. He nods to her as she says her words, and when she’s done, she looks into his face with tears in her eyes.

 

“Stay strong, little sister,” he says, and extends an arm to her, “May the Force be with you.”

 

She never sees him again after that.

 

Cassian inadvertently learns from Mon Mothma that Jyn has decided to stay with the Alliance, a secret that was supposed to have been kept as a future surprise, and he feels a lightness in his chest that he’s never felt before. He walks the corridors to find her, and comes across her in the hangar inspecting a snowspeeder.

 

“These still need some work before they’re ready for the conditions,” she says when he walks up to stand beside her, but then he’s taking her arm, pulling her into a dark corner, kissing her hard and fast, and a little bit sloppy. She smiles into his kisses after the initial surprise, relaxes in his arms.

 

“Cassian, what--” She tries to talk, eyes darting about as anyone could walk by, and Cassian’s never been one for public affection. He pulls away from her face, his eyes dark and intense.

 

“Jyn.” He takes a deep breath before he continues, “I want to do this.”

 

“Do what? You mean  _ here _ ??”

 

“No, no, not that. Well, yes that. But not right now.” He’s fumbling and she just smiles. “I mean us. I want to be with you.” He takes her hand. “I’m not the best at this kind of thing, but I want to try. If you want to as well, that is.”

 

There’s a long beat, a heavy pause that fills the air as they regard each other, Cassian’s heart threatening to beat out of his chest. Jyn opens her mouth to speak but no words come out, so she just slips her arms around his neck.

 

“I’m not used to people sticking around when things go bad,” she whispers into his neck, and he shudders at her breath against his skin.

 

“Welcome home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me through this, friends!


End file.
